How to ‘Pick a Partner’ Without Denting Confidence

Have you ever uttered the words “Pick a partner” and wondered if there’s a better way?

If so, you’re not alone – and I’ve got some good news for you.

When I was at primary school, the most frightening thing Mr Graham, my PE teacher, could say had nothing to do with tumble turns, somersaults, laps of the oval, or even poison ball.

No, it was when he said “Pick a partner.”

There’s nothing inherently sinister about those words.

But what I actually heard was, “Pick someone you like or are like.”

Not the best self-esteem booster when you’re the shortest, least coordinated, and probably least popular kid in class.

It usually ended with me and some other squirmy kid being picked last, leaving the two teams to argue over who had to have us.

Not a real confidence-building experience.

If your goal is to help your groups build connections and strengthen relationships, regardless of your curriculum, then stick around.

In this blog post, I’m going to share plenty of nuanced wisdom and practical tips for avoiding the dreaded “pick a partner” trap, boosting your facilitation skills and creating more meaningful teambuilding activities.

Click play below, or continue reading…

Why Saying “Pick a Partner” Can Hurt Group Dynamics

Let’s start with some reasons why it’s worth rethinking this old-fashioned approach.

1. It Encourages Cliques

When you say “pick a partner,” people naturally gravitate towards their friends.

That’s perfectly human – we’re all comfort-seeking machines.

But if you’re aiming to build new connections and stretch comfort zones, it’s counterproductive.

Friends sticking with friends leads to lower interaction and participation.

2. It Creates Awkward Moments

Often, the first few friends partner up quickly, leaving others looking around awkwardly.

Sometimes people wonder why someone’s taking a particular interest in them.

And in today’s world – especially post-#MeToo – it’s important to avoid anything that could feel uncomfortable or misinterpreted.

Even without deeper concerns, being the “last one left” is never fun.

It’s not engaging, and it damages the sense of psychological safety that’s essential for effective teambuilding activities.

3. It Knocks Self-Esteem

A big part of group facilitation is boosting confidence – encouraging people to step outside their comfort zones, ask questions, and reach out to others.

If being picked last triggers old feelings of rejection, it’s going to make it harder for someone to engage fully in your session.

The Benefits of Smarter Partnering Techniques

Thankfully, there are much better alternatives – and plenty of them.

1. Randomising Partners

Try inviting people to find someone with:

• The same type of shoe sole,
• The same last digit of their mobile number,
• The same number of letters in their first name, or
• The same side of the bed they get out of, etc.

These random prompts break up cliques and spark fresh interactions. They’re great icebreakers without feeling forced or awkward.

Take a look at Getting Into Pairs for more random partner-making ideas.

2. Making It Fun (Without the Pressure)

Fun doesn’t have to mean roaring laughter (though sometimes it does!)

In this context, fun means nourishing the soul, creating moments of genuine, pressure-free connection.

Random pairing activities should make participants feel welcomed, not threatened.

3. Planning Ahead

Don’t wait until you’re mid-activity to figure out how you’ll form partnerships. Plan ahead!

A simple, pre-planned question can create smoother transitions, better energy, and faster connection-building.

Need ideas? Head over to Getting Into Pairs where you’ll find step-by-step instructions for loads of alternatives that are both simple and effective.

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When Is It OK to Say “Pick a Partner?”

Now, don’t get me wrong – I do still use “pick a partner” from time to time.

But typically, only once I’ve built strong, resilient connections within a group. That is to say, I rarely invite groups to manage on the anxiety-inducing request of picking a partner until we are well and truly into the guts of my program.

When people already feel safe, confident, and included, being the last to pair up isn’t the same kind of blow.

It’s all about timing and context.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, remember: there’s no perfect way to pick a partner.

Every method has its place depending on the group, the moment, and the outcomes you’re aiming for.

Sometimes, a bit of randomness is exactly what you need to inject fun and energy. Other times, you might want something more purposeful that encourages people to interact and build relationships. The key is having a variety of options at your fingertips—and the willingness to change it up when needed.

Now that you’ve heard mine, I’d love to hear yours.

What fun or clever ways have you used to form random pairs? Could you share them in the comments below?

Thank you so much for reading. Wherever you are in the world – have fun out there!